Anchorman It can all go away so quickly

Brian WilliamsIf YOU are ever elevated to become Network News Anchorman (or woman), then huge congratulations! All of a sudden, you will earn (or rather “rake in”) a cool ten million dollars a year.

Welcome to the 1%.

The lavish pay won’t be because the network needs a virtuoso of journalism. No, it’s because they need a face, a focal point, an anchor man. You will be a Brand Spokesman (or woman). You’ll be like Wilfred Brimley, the face of Quaker Oats. Or Bill Cosby fronting for Jell-O Pudding. Your role will be exactly like that, but instead of oats and pudding, you will represent your network’s supposedly-special brand of news, which you will endorse, with your Anchorman face.

So remain slim. No visible piercings or tattoos. Do not get your nose broken or your face punched. Stay out of fights. Actually, take really good care of your face in every way. Salon facials would be a good idea, but don’t let it be known. Remember, your face, plus a nightly jolt of familiarity, will be your ticket to the good life. You will go to the best restaurants and hang out with the most famous people in the world’s most exciting city. Don’t screw it up. And don’t do anything embarrassing. Remember, 10 million a year. It can all go away so quickly.

 


Memo regarding the new party mascots

Memo

To:         Democratic National Committee

From:     Senior Editor J, TheDailyTissue.com

Subject:  New Party Mascot

What the darn heck is going on? When the Republicans recently changed their official mascot from “Elephant” to “Ball of Writhing Poisonous Snakes,” all you had to do was nothing! For years you suffered at a disadvantage with that stupid donkey mascot. People just naturally love elephants… way more than donkeys… always have, always will. Frankly, how you ever got donkey (aka ‘jackass’), while your opponents got elephant, I will never understand. But then, when the Republicans dumped elephant for snakes, you finally — thru pure, pitiful, unearned, dumb luck — had the advantage, because donkey is better than snake.

You were under no obligation to change your mascot just because the Republicans changed theirs. It’s no mystery why they had to switch – elephants are going to become extinct [in the wild] about a generation from now. You’ll only see ’em in a zoo, often behind bars, not a good image. Is it weird that they switched to “Ball of Writhing Poisonous Snakes? Yeah, it’s weird, but watch out, the Republicans are always so sure-footed with their marketing. It’s all they got. (Plus the truckloads of money, of course.) You can bet there was heavy research that went into it, no matter how weird it seems. Snakes must have tested well with the Republican base. Poisonous snakes do have a menacing fascination. Maybe that’s it. And the writhing… maybe that triggers something deep within the soul of the base. Who knows?

But you should have just stuck with the damn donkey. People can imagine an angry, frightened donkey stomping the hell out of a snake. (In fairness, they could also imagine a dead donkey — legs up, x’s for eyes — after a poisonous snake bite. (I remember, for example, there was a donkey that fell into an abandoned well up near Plymouth. They had to winch him out using some equipment they apparently keep around for that purpose. He’s OK now. They gave him a sedative!)  My point being: the donkey is definitely no surefire death-match winner. But he is, at least, sympathetic compared to snakes. You could have just stayed with donkey. Or you could have made a change after some long, careful deliberations. But no, you geniuses decide — for God knows what reason — that you need to roll out a new mascot, too. And you pick the weasel“Weasel”? Was “Doormat” already taken? What about “Mincing Nancy Boy”? Too British-sounding? What about “Earthworm”? Jeezes!

What the heck is wrong with you people? Weasels do not have good reputations. In reality, sure, weasels are nice enough. But most people never meet a weasel (the furry rodent kind). Weasels are, above all, shy, so most people never meet one in a lifetime. If people could actually meet weasels, they would adore the little varmints for their big eyes… always darting about, looking for danger, ready to hide. But most people only have some gauzy impression, and it’s usually not good. If you say, “Democrats, what a nest of weasels,” that is not a compliment in the minds of ordinary people.

So the new weasel mascot is yet another massive marketing flub-up. And whose idea was it to depict the weasel carrying a purse? And waving that little white flag?? The whole thing sucks! You should drop weasel and substitute eagle! Or Komodo dragon, or almost anything else. The problem is — now that you’ve made this big announcement about weasel — you’re going to look like a nest of weasels if you reverse course. Next time — before you do anything — please check with us back here at the tavern.

Thank you!