Wisconsin State Journal admires another flock of pink unicorns

Oh, boy. Continuing in its string of weirdly disconnected-from-reality editorials, the WSJ seems more and more to be writing from the memory care wing of an assisted living facility. Today they want everyone to Root for the Problem Solvers in Washington! 

The gist of it (believe it or not) is this:

Wouldn’t it be great if more of our leaders in Washington, D.C., got to know each other across party lines to search for more agreement?

Well sure! And wouldn’t it be great if that nest of raccoons hiding in the storm sewer actually turned out to be magical unicorns? And then, let’s say, what if the raccoonicorns brought us fresh bouquets of posies every morning? Wouldn’t that be great?

wizard riding a unicorn on a rainbow in spaceAs we’ve already said recently here and here, this is once again pure and balmy purple unicorns flying-in-from-outer-space-to-fix-things nonsense. The mess in Washington is easily understood. The conservative movement came into total control with the election of George W. Bush and the results were SO poor that “W” and his 8 years have been ERASED from conservative discussion, and possibly from conservative memory. The poor guy wasn’t even invited to the last Republican convention. Sure, it’s weird, but it was strategically necessary that voters should un-remember what it was like when the Grand Old Party held national majority power. When the GOP fell out of [majority] power, they still had the power to obstruct. They turned to relentless defense — filibusters, inaction, and manufactured crises — which continue to this day, and are promised for the future. Are you ready for the next debt-ceiling “crisis & debate”? Perhaps that will be averted somehow by unicorns. Wouldn’t that be great?

It’s not “Washington” (whatever that means) that wants gridlock. It’s not “the public” (whatever that means) that wants gridlock. “Republicans” want gridlock. Hardline conservatives — if they cannot be in actual control — want gridlock. They have convinced a sizable portion of their most excitable base that compromise is a dirty word. And now that base, voting within gerrymandered districts, where a primary election IS the election, demands more and more hardline “conservatism” (which at the moment nationally includes reflexive opposition to anything supported by Democrats). No compromise. No wobbling. No “RINOs“. America must be ungovernable until the one true party can return to power.

Toles -  GOP Obstruction


Memo regarding the new party mascots

Memo

To:         Democratic National Committee

From:     Senior Editor J, TheDailyTissue.com

Subject:  New Party Mascot

What the darn heck is going on? When the Republicans recently changed their official mascot from “Elephant” to “Ball of Writhing Poisonous Snakes,” all you had to do was nothing! For years you suffered at a disadvantage with that stupid donkey mascot. People just naturally love elephants… way more than donkeys… always have, always will. Frankly, how you ever got donkey (aka ‘jackass’), while your opponents got elephant, I will never understand. But then, when the Republicans dumped elephant for snakes, you finally — thru pure, pitiful, unearned, dumb luck — had the advantage, because donkey is better than snake.

You were under no obligation to change your mascot just because the Republicans changed theirs. It’s no mystery why they had to switch – elephants are going to become extinct [in the wild] about a generation from now. You’ll only see ’em in a zoo, often behind bars, not a good image. Is it weird that they switched to “Ball of Writhing Poisonous Snakes? Yeah, it’s weird, but watch out, the Republicans are always so sure-footed with their marketing. It’s all they got. (Plus the truckloads of money, of course.) You can bet there was heavy research that went into it, no matter how weird it seems. Snakes must have tested well with the Republican base. Poisonous snakes do have a menacing fascination. Maybe that’s it. And the writhing… maybe that triggers something deep within the soul of the base. Who knows?

But you should have just stuck with the damn donkey. People can imagine an angry, frightened donkey stomping the hell out of a snake. (In fairness, they could also imagine a dead donkey — legs up, x’s for eyes — after a poisonous snake bite. (I remember, for example, there was a donkey that fell into an abandoned well up near Plymouth. They had to winch him out using some equipment they apparently keep around for that purpose. He’s OK now. They gave him a sedative!)  My point being: the donkey is definitely no surefire death-match winner. But he is, at least, sympathetic compared to snakes. You could have just stayed with donkey. Or you could have made a change after some long, careful deliberations. But no, you geniuses decide — for God knows what reason — that you need to roll out a new mascot, too. And you pick the weasel“Weasel”? Was “Doormat” already taken? What about “Mincing Nancy Boy”? Too British-sounding? What about “Earthworm”? Jeezes!

What the heck is wrong with you people? Weasels do not have good reputations. In reality, sure, weasels are nice enough. But most people never meet a weasel (the furry rodent kind). Weasels are, above all, shy, so most people never meet one in a lifetime. If people could actually meet weasels, they would adore the little varmints for their big eyes… always darting about, looking for danger, ready to hide. But most people only have some gauzy impression, and it’s usually not good. If you say, “Democrats, what a nest of weasels,” that is not a compliment in the minds of ordinary people.

So the new weasel mascot is yet another massive marketing flub-up. And whose idea was it to depict the weasel carrying a purse? And waving that little white flag?? The whole thing sucks! You should drop weasel and substitute eagle! Or Komodo dragon, or almost anything else. The problem is — now that you’ve made this big announcement about weasel — you’re going to look like a nest of weasels if you reverse course. Next time — before you do anything — please check with us back here at the tavern.

Thank you!